Agonizing Truth Telling

The process of confronting someone usually costs me precious hours of sleep. I wake early thinking how to address the issue. I struggle with just how to phrase things. I ask God oodles of questions in my prayer journal. When the opportunity to speak to that person presents itself, I often chicken out.

Then there are the painful times when I actually schedule a meeting with someone. The anxiety that precedes and accompanies those conversations stretches me more than I think I can bear, and forces me to totally rely on God for the words. Overall, truth telling is tremendously time-consuming. And it had better be! Because this delicate arena of speaking the truth has potential to cause damage, it’s necessary to carefully choose the words and to discern appropriate timing. Praying through the entire process is even more essential.

You’ve been there. You’re familiar with the woman who dominates the group. Her tendencies threaten the welcoming atmosphere you hoped to create for the newcomer. Recall the leader who doesn’t listen well. You can see the train wreck ahead for certain people. You’ve struggled with what to say, when to say, if to say. Some of those conversations began with phrasing such as, “I’ve noticed” or “I’m sensing,” or “I have a concern for you/our group. May I share it?” Perhaps you restated the purpose of Coffee Break. You wanted God’s best for them. You wanted them to succeed. Be sure to read in this issue, “Caring Too Much Not to Confront,” by Betty Veldman Wieland.

Turn things around now. How many of us welcome criticism? How many of us really want to hear the truth about ourselves? But what if the truth was softly wrapped in love and concern? What if someone really did have our best interest in mind? What a gift this kind of truth telling could be—what an opportunity for personal growth! You’ll be able to identify with the article by Diana Klungel, “Ouch! Receiving Rebuke.”

We encourage you to search for Gordon MacDonald’s excellent article, “The Gift of Rebuke; How I Learned to Take Correction—and Give It,” (Leadership Journal, Fall, 2002) at http://www.leadershipjournal.net/. “My life is paved with rebukes,” he writes, “from my father, from teachers, friends, critics, and from the people in my four congregations. I like to think that each of the rebukes stuck and affected my character and my behavior. But no doubt some sailed right over my head and denied me their benefits.” MacDonald also talks about what rebuke is NOT. Rebukes are not said in anger, or over the phone, or off the top of your head. They are not sent in writing.

As you look over the resources in Small Talk you’ll see there is plenty to digest in this issue. So grab your coffee, fire up the computer to investigate web links, and be aware of the beam in your own eye as you consider the specks in others.